All I Really Know How To Do Is Bake

And all that really means I follow directions well. Too add to this dilemma all I really know how to bake is shit with bananas and carrots. I should buy some fucking blueberries or something.

Seriously though, baking is only cooking because of some gay definition. I propose that this be amended immediately. You either cook shit, or you bake shit.

Pickles Is My Thing

Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles. Pickles.

Do you get that I like pickles now? I'll take my pickles anyway, really. In between cheese and mayo, fried, in a sandwich, or just straight out of the jar! Pickle juice is like nigger cum to me. I fucking LOVE it.

However, FUCK cucumbers. Those things are pieces of shit. Why can't pickles just grow on plants? I don't need a middle man between me and my pickles. Unless he's a babe . . . .

LOOK AT ME

So as most of you can tell, I have not been up on my game lately. Mainly because I don't really give a shit. During my absence I realized many other bloggers don't really give a shit either, but they have the insatiable urge to post bullshit. It's like diarrhea of the keyboard.

HEY, LOOK AT THIS SHIT!!!!!

HEY, I TOOK THIS FROM SOMEONE ELSE. LOOK AT IT! ISN'T IT FUCKING AWESOME????

What these people don't realize is that they are losing the fan base of what was once an interesting subject. Sure, your friends will continue to put up with your shit, probably because they're just as shallow, or really, really fucking bored, but the truth of the matter is no one gives a shit. Start a fucking personal blog or better yet just stick to Facebook. Pretty fucking simple, right?

Guess Who's Back. Back Again.

Sassy's back. Tell a friend.

Hungry Meets Whorish

I already banged all the guys at my gym. Time to move on.

    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
    New gym = new meat
   

Dialects Are Interesting

However, speech impediments are even more interesting! Lithps are tho thathy!

Also, using commercially licensed music on youtube is thuper thathy!

Things This Oat Does Not Understand

1. How the fuck is it that people take time out of their busy schedule to blog regularly? Is it for the attention? Is it a release? Although it is enjoyable, this oat just can not do it.

2. How on Earth could give two shits about flax seeds? I mean, they are fucking terrible. Oats are obviously superior.

3. Knowing the fate of the Titanic, why would one use the measurement scale of 1 - Titanic? Seems to me like Titanic should be absolute zero. This scale is completely retarded.

4. How could one who claims to live a healthy life end up sick for any period longer than a few days? This seems especially stupid to me.

5. How could one make a post about annoying people on Facebook without realizing that they are exactly that type of person?

This final one is just a bonus. It is something I have talked about before and still don't understand. Why would a person with no culinary knowledge go and alter a recipe replacing key ingredients with others that will not produce the same end? I think I just answered my question.

What are some things you guys don't understand?

Like OMG

So like I was totes driving down the highway today texting on phone as I usually do and some jerkoff honks at me. My left hand was occupied with my phone so I took my other hand off the wheel to give him the finger. It turns out that wasn't such a good idea. It totes caused a pileup and killed a bunch of children but whatever. That guy deserved it. There is NOTHING wrong texting and driving. I mean its not like drinking and driving or anything. Well seeing as how I already had my phone out anyway I decided I'd take a pic of the wreck for you guys.

Sassy!!!

I Can Totes Relate To You

From: The Oat
To: Beth
Date: Sunday April 3 2011
Subject: Let's meet

Dear Beth,

I can totes relate to you. I too hate my birthday because I look so old. Then again I also hate my birthday because I usually spend it single. I too want to be a housewife. I too love New York. I too have a little Jew inside me (that's a  dirty joke). I too enjoy making terrible bird food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oats are my favorite! If you ever want to hang out or anything and you're in my area you should totes give me a shout out!

Love,

The Oat

From: Beth
To: The Oat
Date: Monday April 4 2011
Subject: Re: Let's meet

Contradictions Pt. II

I recently found out that the words "nom nom" and "sammich" are now recognized as words by the Oxford English Dictionary. This totes me angry that I had to blog about it. I'm sitting here looking like a totes hot mess when I could be looking totes fab and reading up on foodie stuff but I just had to make this post. 

A Much Needed Updated

Oh my God! It's been forever since my last update! Whats the matter with me? This is not the normal me. I do have a good excuse for being so late with this one though. I totally flew to New York to bang a Jew. I know this contradicts a lot of what I have said in past, but whatever. I'm bringing the sass back.

I was considering having my bestie guest blog for me while I was away, but I had a feeling she would blog about how much of a fat monster I was before I became a bulimic gymrat so I didn't mention anything to her. That doesn't mean you shouldn't totes check out her blog though! She's a sassy one.

So now that I am back I'd like to take this time to discuss a few things that have been on my mind.

1. If I asked a few hundred people across the US to vote for this blog as the best in my city, could I rightfully say my city voted me in?

2. If I harass a celebrity enough will they sue me or befriend me?

3. If I bang all the guys at the gym, they would probably know me as t he girl who's banged them all, so then no particular one could be like, "Oh shes mine," right?

4. Is there an app similar to Foursquare but for banging guys?

5. How long until I get fired for blogging at my new job?

These are the kind of things I think about all day. What's wrong with me?

This Is Not A Hate Blog

Just wanna clear some rumors my lovers have started. This is NOT a hate blog. Hate is something Nazis did. I am not the saSSy oat. This is a parody blog. If you can take your trainers dick you can take a joke. I mean I'm just being sassy. You should be supporting me like the way all the other oats support other mindless dribble.


Anyway I totes made up this awesome recipe this weekend. I basically replaced the cereal in Rice Krispies treats with bird food and I'm calling it my own. They're delish. Just follow the recipe on the back of the cereal box but use the same amount of birdseed instead. You won't regret it!

Love,
The Oat

What __________ Like

That's supposed to be a blank in case you're dumb and can't tell.

1. Bloggers like attention.
2. Southern girls like Jew dick.
3. Filipinos like to eat dog.
4. I like being sassy
5. Everyone likes this blog.

Woops!

On a totally side related note from my last entry, I have a quick question. This is something I have been wondering for a while now, and I figured I'd ask you guys because that's what blogs are for nowadays, right?

Okay so the question is can one justifiably call themselves a hot mess? This seems a little bit pretentious to me. Perhaps conceited.

I am talking about your run-of-the-mill girl. The one that looks ten years older than she should and has friends that look even older.

Please comment.

Logical Conclusions

Hello, my friends. As I sit down to my dinner of birdseed and protein powder, I thought I'd make a quick post. It seems there are one too many people in this world that can not understand simple logic. Actually, I take that back. Using the word "world" is a bit too broad. The people I am referring to are mainly bloggers. To go even further than that, Southern bloggers. Who would have thought those people had the ability to read and write, or even an internet connection at that?

Well, as I was saying, these people lack a general understanding of logic. For instance, in the world outside of the South, when people loose their job they usually try to find another one right away because unemployment checks are not very substantial and eventually become unavailable. However, in the South people spend their government aid on designer bags and gourmet meals. I suppose they also spend it on drugs and alcohol. Those Southern people love their drugs and alcohol.

This next one is not necessarily Southern typical, but it is pretty dumb. The idea that one could move to another region of the country or world after learning their language at a younger age is probably the most asinine thing I have ever heard of. When we are young we are taught the language we speak. We learn to pronounce these words based upon where we live. These pronunciations stick with us for the rest of our life given we don't have stroke. Someone with a Latin accent will not move to England and develop an English accent. It's fucking retarded.

This next one is the last one, and it kind of pains me to think about it because it is so retarded. This is actually where the title of this entry originally came from. Say for instance your walking through the mall and you come across one of those Proactive vending machines (the ones that have been in existence in quite a few states for quite a few years now, but the South is just getting because they are so behind in this world). You know the ones . . . . If you saw that, what would you think is coming next? I would assume people with clearer skin is coming next. Not anything else. Especially not people in vending machines. That's just silly.

That's about it for today, sassy ones. Sorry about the tone of this update. I know its not very sassy, but I just had to get this off my shoulders. I have the day off tomorrow so I think I'll post something more sassified then.

As always, stay sassy my oats,

The Oat

Things To Do At The Gym & Things To Do In New York

1. Lose weight.
2. Build muscle.
3. Keep healthy.

If you do anything else at the gym it is just unnecessary and probably douchey. Unnecessary gym behavior constitutes:

1. Using your phone for anything other than to play music.
2. Doing the splits just to be sassy (especially if you attribute your flexibility to gymnastics when everyone really knows it's because you're a whore.)
3. Scouting for guys, and calling guys that are scouting for girls creepy.
4. Not take a professional's advice.

That's about it for gym talk. Let's move onto New York. The BEST thing you can do in New York is leave. You're better off never even going. However, should you decide to stay there a few things you should know.

1. No one will steal your bag that was in style six years ago(this isn't the South).
2. Despite what Sex & The City might have portrait, Magnolia Bakery is rubbish.
3. Hasidic school zones have no speed limit.

That's it for today, oats. Keep it sassy.

Love,
The Oat

Contradictions

If there is one thing everyone knows about me, it's that I absolutely LOVE to contradict myself. I try to do it at least once a week, but lately I've hit a goldmine of contradiction.

I like to pretend like I am interested in language and all that jazz, and I pretend to care about people's different dialects because that is what makes language interesting. The truth is I am such a Grammar Nazi (even though I suck at this too), it just doesn't allow me to get past the former. I will call the masses out on their pronunciations and say that there is only one true way to say something and anyone who disagrees can suck a lemon.

Men.

There's another goldmine. One week I'll have a crush, the next week I won't. The next day I'll hook up with some random person, a few days later they are a creep if they talk to me. I think I got into something like this in my last post . . . .

Not much else to say today. Don't want to overload  you guys with sassiness.

Have a sassy weekend.

Love,
The Oat

Humpday Update:Valentine's Day & African Cuisine

Hey there all you sassy bitches! Boy have I been busy. What's that? No one asked? I don't care. I'm gonna tell you anyway. SASSY!

So I guess I'll start with Valentine's day. In a last ditch effort to snag myself a babe, me and my busted whore went out for a few drinks at a local bar. We figured we would walk in and own the place. I mean bars are already single people territory, so the ones out there on Valentine's day are definitely single, and definitely sassy.

We arrived and had a few drinks when some creep told me I should take it easy cause I was making him look bad. Okay, I've had two dirty martinis, you've had God knows how many pints . . . . If I go out with the intentions of babe hunting, it is totally okay for me to say and do whatever I want, but should anyone try to hunt me, I will call them a creep. Needless to say the night ended up being a bust.

The next day I woke up and caught my neighbor in the parking garage. He told me about this really authentic African American restaurant called Kentucky Fried Chicken (he's been to Africa, so he knows the real deal).

I decided I would try the place out for lunch, and boy was I impressed. I had three chicken strips with a side of coleslaw and biscuits. YUM!!!! I would definitely recommend the place to anyone looking to get the real African American experience.

If you guys have any suggestions for authentic ethnic cuisine, feel free to email them to me. I'd love to hear from you!

Love,
The Oat
thesassyoat@aol.com

Valentine's Day

Ugh . . . .

This year I am going to pretend that I am not destroyed by the fact that I'm single again. In years past, I usually pouted about being single even if it wasn't Valentine's Day, but not this time! I'm sassier than ever now and I know with the support of all my busted single friends I will get through this. All I need is a few generic comments and a bottle of cheap champagne!

Of course, if in the next few days I happen to land one of the babes at the gym or the cheese guy at Whole Foods, I will totally contradict myself come Tuesday and say that it is the greatest holiday ever.

Love,
The Oat

Is This Real???

I got an email yesterday from the totally busted whore I love to call my friend. Apparently she saw my blog and was inspired to start one of her own. Do people worship me? I think so!

You guys should TOTALLY check out this babe's blog. She might even be more sassy than I am! Haha, who am I kidding? No one is more sassy than me.

There is probably not much else to say this afternoon. Maybe I'll make a post from the gym later on. That is, if I am not too busy embarrassing myself and everyone around me babe hunting.

Love you all,

The Oat

Not That Drunk

I took a break from my stilettos and tacky dresses to bring you this update, so I hope you appreciate it.

First off, I will jump on any bandwagon because I'm that douchey  sassy. That being said, I am pretty happy with the Greenbay victory today.

Being the type of person to accept that, I am also the type of person to hula hoop as a for of exercise. The thing about hula hoop exercise is that it's totally a fad, but being as sassy as I am, I really don't care too much. It's not like anyone is going to call me on it anyway. No one would dare be that sassy.

*yawn*

I'm getting pretty tired now. I think I'll look up some recipes to rip off and call it a night.

Good night, my little ones.

Love, The Oat.

Adventures In Douchebaggery

There's not much to say today, but I want attention so I'll post something anyway.

Last week, my hilarious retarded friend challenged me to a douchebag sassy competition. Little did he know I am the single most douchebag sassy person in the world.

This all took place at a coffee shop near his house. It wasn't long before people started to notice us. Everyone wanted to know what we were up to. A few people even asked if I had taken douchebag sassy lessons. I told them I was just a natural. This got me thinking though . . . . If there are people out there willing to take lessons in order to become more of a douchebag sassy person, they'd probably want to learn from the best. What I'm getting at is that every week I'll be telling you guys little things you can do day-to-day to be more like me. Because everyone wants to be like me, right? I mean the fucking people at Chickfila worship me.

Depending on how much I drink today I might or might not make a second post regarding the game, but aside from that have a good one my friends.

Love, The Oat

The 30 Most Douchebag Things One Can Do

1. Vlog.
2. Tweet.
3. Eat healthy.
4. Use your phone at the gym.
5. Use a blackberry.
6. Eat Greek Yogurt.
7. Substitute ingredients in a baking recipe (or any recipe for that matter).
8. Add an ingredient and call something your own.
9. Spend an obscene amount of money on a camera when you don't know dick about photography.
10. Spontaneously become obsessed with sports to garner attention.
11. Use words like hot mess and funemployment.
12. Fail at being a Grammar Nazi.
13. Pretend to read.
14. Genuinely enjoy fiber.
15. Bake in a dress and heels.
16. Use the word foodie.
17. Meet internet weirdos.
18. Run a 5k.
19. Drink almond milk.
20. Shop at Whole Foods.
21. Drink wine and or champagne.
22. Attempt to be Southern something when you are clearly not and have no obligation to do so.
23. Eat sushi.
24. Review restaurants via recording. You are not Anthony Bourdain.
25. Buy into Southern fashion.
26. Wear silly bandz.
27. Contradict yourself on a regular basis.
28. Think the people at Chickfila worship you.
29. Pretend to be a nutritionist.
30. Describe one's self as "Spunky individual with a penchant for culinary delights . . . "

What things are on your list? Did I miss anything?

Leave your interesting or sassy comments in the section below, and as always, stay sassy my friends.

Love, The Oat

I Am Your Sassiest Friend

Before going to the strip club this weekend I jokingly sent my friends this message.

"Let's go get chlamydia."

Responses:
"Yeah, but it'll be worth it."
"I hope you get Gonorrhea."

What I did not realize is that this message was an omen for the evening. Fast forward several hours later to when theres a stripper jamming her fingers into her cunt then into my mouth. The taste was so familiar. I knew I had chlamydia. When I woke up in the morning I pissed fire.

I went to go see my doctor in urgent care almost immediately. He prescribed some antibiotics and spared him the details of what had been in my mouth the previous evening. I get the feeling he wouldn't understand. Doctors are sooooo not sassy.

I have to take these pills twice a day for 5 days then return for a follow up.

I'll keep you guys updated on the latest until then.

Love, The Oat

Off Topic

I understand some people are just trying to be sassy, but seriously if your blog is about dogs, keep it about dogs. If your blog is about shoes, keep it about shoes . . . . No one gives a flying fuck about what's in your purse regardless of how sassy it is. No one gives a shit about your fake accent. Seriously, no one gives a shit. Just stop.

Before you even say it I'm going to stop you. I don't have a general topic to stick to. Therefore, I can blog about whatever the fuck I please just as long as I stay sassy whilst doing so.

Stay sassy my friends.

Love, The Oat

Can You Guess What My Favorite Tree Is?

Lately I've noticed that all bloggers do is ask their "friends"questions rather than posting original content. I did not invent blogging, I just made it sassy, but I'm pretty sure blogs used to be for news and diary type shit.

Anyway, if you guessed sassafras, you guessed correctly. Get it? Cause it's sassy (I'm a loser).

Let's move on. Today is Martin Luther King day. How fucking sassy was that guy, right? America was all "Fuck you, coon. Segregation owns," and he was all, "Whatever, I do what I want."

Some call it civil disobedience. I call it being sassy as fuck.

Happy MLK Day!

Love, The Oat.

AFC Divisional Playoff

The only thing I truly care about today is the Steelers Ravens game. Oh, and oats.

Go Steelers!!!!!!!!!!!!

Black and yellow.  Black and yellow.  Black and yellow.  Black and yellow.