Friday, February 25, 2011

Things To Do At The Gym & Things To Do In New York

1. Lose weight.
2. Build muscle.
3. Keep healthy.

If you do anything else at the gym it is just unnecessary and probably douchey. Unnecessary gym behavior constitutes:

1. Using your phone for anything other than to play music.
2. Doing the splits just to be sassy (especially if you attribute your flexibility to gymnastics when everyone really knows it's because you're a whore.)
3. Scouting for guys, and calling guys that are scouting for girls creepy.
4. Not take a professional's advice.

That's about it for gym talk. Let's move onto New York. The BEST thing you can do in New York is leave. You're better off never even going. However, should you decide to stay there a few things you should know.

1. No one will steal your bag that was in style six years ago(this isn't the South).
2. Despite what Sex & The City might have portrait, Magnolia Bakery is rubbish.
3. Hasidic school zones have no speed limit.

That's it for today, oats. Keep it sassy.

Love,
The Oat

Friday, February 18, 2011

Contradictions

If there is one thing everyone knows about me, it's that I absolutely LOVE to contradict myself. I try to do it at least once a week, but lately I've hit a goldmine of contradiction.

I like to pretend like I am interested in language and all that jazz, and I pretend to care about people's different dialects because that is what makes language interesting. The truth is I am such a Grammar Nazi (even though I suck at this too), it just doesn't allow me to get past the former. I will call the masses out on their pronunciations and say that there is only one true way to say something and anyone who disagrees can suck a lemon.

Men.

There's another goldmine. One week I'll have a crush, the next week I won't. The next day I'll hook up with some random person, a few days later they are a creep if they talk to me. I think I got into something like this in my last post . . . .

Not much else to say today. Don't want to overload  you guys with sassiness.

Have a sassy weekend.

Love,
The Oat

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Humpday Update:Valentine's Day & African Cuisine

Hey there all you sassy bitches! Boy have I been busy. What's that? No one asked? I don't care. I'm gonna tell you anyway. SASSY!

So I guess I'll start with Valentine's day. In a last ditch effort to snag myself a babe, me and my busted whore went out for a few drinks at a local bar. We figured we would walk in and own the place. I mean bars are already single people territory, so the ones out there on Valentine's day are definitely single, and definitely sassy.

We arrived and had a few drinks when some creep told me I should take it easy cause I was making him look bad. Okay, I've had two dirty martinis, you've had God knows how many pints . . . . If I go out with the intentions of babe hunting, it is totally okay for me to say and do whatever I want, but should anyone try to hunt me, I will call them a creep. Needless to say the night ended up being a bust.

The next day I woke up and caught my neighbor in the parking garage. He told me about this really authentic African American restaurant called Kentucky Fried Chicken (he's been to Africa, so he knows the real deal).

I decided I would try the place out for lunch, and boy was I impressed. I had three chicken strips with a side of coleslaw and biscuits. YUM!!!! I would definitely recommend the place to anyone looking to get the real African American experience.

If you guys have any suggestions for authentic ethnic cuisine, feel free to email them to me. I'd love to hear from you!

Love,
The Oat
thesassyoat@aol.com

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Valentine's Day

Ugh . . . .

This year I am going to pretend that I am not destroyed by the fact that I'm single again. In years past, I usually pouted about being single even if it wasn't Valentine's Day, but not this time! I'm sassier than ever now and I know with the support of all my busted single friends I will get through this. All I need is a few generic comments and a bottle of cheap champagne!

Of course, if in the next few days I happen to land one of the babes at the gym or the cheese guy at Whole Foods, I will totally contradict myself come Tuesday and say that it is the greatest holiday ever.

Love,
The Oat

Is This Real???

I got an email yesterday from the totally busted whore I love to call my friend. Apparently she saw my blog and was inspired to start one of her own. Do people worship me? I think so!

You guys should TOTALLY check out this babe's blog. She might even be more sassy than I am! Haha, who am I kidding? No one is more sassy than me.

There is probably not much else to say this afternoon. Maybe I'll make a post from the gym later on. That is, if I am not too busy embarrassing myself and everyone around me babe hunting.

Love you all,

The Oat

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Not That Drunk

I took a break from my stilettos and tacky dresses to bring you this update, so I hope you appreciate it.

First off, I will jump on any bandwagon because I'm that douchey  sassy. That being said, I am pretty happy with the Greenbay victory today.

Being the type of person to accept that, I am also the type of person to hula hoop as a for of exercise. The thing about hula hoop exercise is that it's totally a fad, but being as sassy as I am, I really don't care too much. It's not like anyone is going to call me on it anyway. No one would dare be that sassy.

*yawn*

I'm getting pretty tired now. I think I'll look up some recipes to rip off and call it a night.

Good night, my little ones.

Love, The Oat.

Adventures In Douchebaggery

There's not much to say today, but I want attention so I'll post something anyway.

Last week, my hilarious retarded friend challenged me to a douchebag sassy competition. Little did he know I am the single most douchebag sassy person in the world.

This all took place at a coffee shop near his house. It wasn't long before people started to notice us. Everyone wanted to know what we were up to. A few people even asked if I had taken douchebag sassy lessons. I told them I was just a natural. This got me thinking though . . . . If there are people out there willing to take lessons in order to become more of a douchebag sassy person, they'd probably want to learn from the best. What I'm getting at is that every week I'll be telling you guys little things you can do day-to-day to be more like me. Because everyone wants to be like me, right? I mean the fucking people at Chickfila worship me.

Depending on how much I drink today I might or might not make a second post regarding the game, but aside from that have a good one my friends.

Love, The Oat

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The 30 Most Douchebag Things One Can Do

1. Vlog.
2. Tweet.
3. Eat healthy.
4. Use your phone at the gym.
5. Use a blackberry.
6. Eat Greek Yogurt.
7. Substitute ingredients in a baking recipe (or any recipe for that matter).
8. Add an ingredient and call something your own.
9. Spend an obscene amount of money on a camera when you don't know dick about photography.
10. Spontaneously become obsessed with sports to garner attention.
11. Use words like hot mess and funemployment.
12. Fail at being a Grammar Nazi.
13. Pretend to read.
14. Genuinely enjoy fiber.
15. Bake in a dress and heels.
16. Use the word foodie.
17. Meet internet weirdos.
18. Run a 5k.
19. Drink almond milk.
20. Shop at Whole Foods.
21. Drink wine and or champagne.
22. Attempt to be Southern something when you are clearly not and have no obligation to do so.
23. Eat sushi.
24. Review restaurants via recording. You are not Anthony Bourdain.
25. Buy into Southern fashion.
26. Wear silly bandz.
27. Contradict yourself on a regular basis.
28. Think the people at Chickfila worship you.
29. Pretend to be a nutritionist.
30. Describe one's self as "Spunky individual with a penchant for culinary delights . . . "

What things are on your list? Did I miss anything?

Leave your interesting or sassy comments in the section below, and as always, stay sassy my friends.

Love, The Oat